The Role of Boundaries
I recognise that my boundaries have been created in the old story and are largely based on my old experiences of men.
As a tantra practitioner I seek to initiate men into the new story, a new way of relating to women and themselves, but to work as if we are already there would be naïve and unsafe.
The reality is that we are between stories, and I need to pull from both realities to create a hybrid, a safe container that works in the present, which will ebb and flow as I evolve.
I choose to believe that the male clients who come to me are not predators, they are not liars, and they are not objectifying me.
Some men make it difficult for me to hold this belief and I have to let them go, with love.
I hope that in time I will become more comfortable at challenging this behaviour but I believe that it requires a level of trust and understanding, which at present, I am finding difficult to develop trust when I am noticing these old stories coming up between us.
Why I need Boundaries
My boundaries are how I protect myself. It would be lovely if I didn’t need them… but for various reasons, I do.
Primarily, they support my inner child and nervous system and help me to stay centred and regulated.
I have been let down by men time and time and time again. In the old story, men don’t show up when they say they will, they talk a good game but don’t follow through.
I therefore have boundaries around lateness and require deposit payments.
Without them my parts would not allow me to do this work.
In my old story, I have been expected to react to new situations at a moment’s notice, to contort myself to please others,
My system will not allow me to do this anymore, it has done me too much damage and dysregulation, therefore I do not allow same or next-day bookings.
In the old story men tell you what they think you want to hear so they can get what they want.
It is far easier to disguise your intentions via email, which is why I require a conversation with all clients before agreeing to offer an appointment. I need to hear whether your intentions are clear and whether they are aligned with what I am offering from my place of centred alignment.
In the old story I have felt pressured to do what is expected of me.
I know how easy I can be knocked off centre and fall into old patterns of pleasing men with tried and tested methods that have kept me safe in the past.
I am imperfect. The new story is just as hard for me to grasp and hold on to, as it is for you.
The new story is as elusive and intangible as a rainbow in the mist, there one minute, gone the next.
Some boundaries are in place to protect me from unwanted attention or physical danger. This is a product of the reality we live in where men are predatory, and women are vulnerable to attack. I feel this every time I go for a walk in the early evening as the dusk falls. It is the most beautiful time to be out in nature and yet every single time I am burdened by intrusive thoughts that it is not safe to be outside alone as a female and that by going for a walk, I am asking for trouble.
I am where I am on my journey and my boundaries are a representation of that.
I need you to understand that I am also a product of the old story, and by offering this work I am trying to emerge into the new one, however I need to protect myself from the many men who are still in the old story and honour the battle wounds that I still carry.
My boundaries are like a password, if we are aligned, you will pass through with ease.
In my client practice
If you wish to learn and grow together, I ask that you respect my boundaries, and I will respect yours. This is how we learn to connect and develop intimacy in the new story.
Agreeing to work with you is a complex decision, I often need time to feel into what I can offer and whether working together is in both our best interests. This is a spiritual, body-based decision, not a mind based one and it may take time for me to make it.
Giving out my address is a gesture of trust and this needs to be earnt.
I am a rarity which could make me a target.
My gender have a history of being scapegoated and burned at the stake for going against the mainstream narrative, which is one layer of my desire to remain out of sight, another is the predominance of violence towards women in society. It is not a safe place for us.
My need for ample notice and a payment upfront enables me to feel that we are in the new story. It gives me an experience of this in my body, not just my mind.
I know that this person will show up, and therefore I too will show up…
not from the old story, but from the new one, from a place of love.