The Kinky Side of Tantra

Until now I have resisted bringing kink into my tantra practice for a number of reasons. Mainly, I do not wish to be misconstrued as a dominatrix, they are amazing at what they do, they have all the kit and can give powerful sexual and healing experiences. The experiences I offer are fundamentally different.

I have worked hard to build and maintain a healing and spiritual focus to my practice and to openly speak about the kinky elements of tantra has felt like it could open the floodgates to the very large numbers of men who are interested in exploring their kinky sides.

Tantra is all about choice.

My aim has always been to empower my clients to realise that they have choices about how they live their lives and what happens to their body, I support them to vocalise their needs and desires.

I now see that these aims were taken from my own experience as a female learning tantra and the particular societal conditioning that I have been challenged to overcome.

However I work with men, not women and their tantra journeys have a different quality and their key lessons are fundamentally different.

Power and control

For a long time I felt that in order to do tantra ‘properly’ I needed to stay in the middle ground where both parties held equal power, with neither one exercising any form of control or domination over the other. This is the heart of person-centred practice and felt aligned with my desire to embody integrity, equality and balance and inspire new ways of relating. Which is a great end-goal. But this is based upon the union of two evolved beings, who have learnt to embody both sides of their nature, the Yin and Yang.

But my clients are not there yet.

They are in development, (as are we all) and I need to strip things back.

I am now coming to see that things are a little less Black and White.

A healer is called to use all of her internal resources and skills,

By focusing on this middle ground I have not allowed an aspect of myself to be present in healing sessions. The aspect of me that enjoys taking control, making decisions and being dominant. But she is part of me and can also offer healing to men, especially when given in harmony with my nurturing and caring energy.   

If a man comes to me with a desire to relinquish control, someone who works very hard and has a lot of responsibilities. He is looking for a space where he doesn’t need to make any decisions and can switch off, perhaps he even wants to be subservient to me.

Previously I would have said, No, I’m sorry, that is not tantra, tantra is about empowerment not taking away your choice.

But hang on a minute...

What if by offering a client the opportunity to relax and switch off his mind, this is just the deep healing experience that is needed for his whole body and energy system.

Being in a position of powerlessness can be humbling, revealing and provide opportunity for great personal development and awareness. By providing the polar opposite to his every day experience, I am offering the antidote to his regular lifestyle, which if left unchecked might snowball into stress, tension and related physical and mental illness, not to mention sexual dysfunction.

All I need to do to create a tantric container is make a clear agreement at the start to ensure boundaries and consent are clear, and then simply give the Sensual Touch session. Rather than ask about his preferences throughout, I might get into the flow, read the client’s energy non-verbally and use my intuition, which is pure tantra.

Submission and serving me can be healing for some clients

What if by allowing the client to experience surrender or submission, in a Conscious Touch or Self  Touch Session, the client is able to explore an element of himself that he would otherwise repress. Or perhaps it might highlight to him the truth of his lived experience within a current relationship, through the sensations in his body.

By playing with these dynamics, desires or tendencies and exploring them consciously in a safe environment, the client can learn a lot about themselves and start to build a balanced relationship to power and control, rather than feeling pigeon-holed by life circumstances, and in time, learn to switch between the two poles with ease.

Healing power dynamics

On my tantric journey I explored taking control, which was the polar opposite of my regular every day life. I was quiet, subservient and shy. I struggled to get my voice heard and didn’t feel like I mattered. By consciously stepping into the role of Taking and being dominant, I learnt how to ask for what I wanted and then take it. Tantra helped me to unlock this capacity within me in that I had suppressed, I felt strong and powerful. I learnt to embody my masculine  - Yang - energy

By offering men the opportunity to explore submission, I am supporting them to experience how it feels to be vulnerable, to trust and to let go - to embody their feminine - Yin side. This serves to develop more sensitivity, openness and receptivity to the feminine aspects within themselves and equally within others, leading to them attracting women with these tendencies rather than hard-edged women with strong masculine energy.

Tantra is all about the internal marriage,

This is the balance of masculine and feminine energies within each person. If we can connect with these two streams of energy and flow between them rather than being stuck in one gear our experience of life and love will be infinitely more varied and therefore fulfilling.

Allowing yourself to experience all the gears, creates an openness to experience that is truly liberating.

In practice:

Until now, I have embodied my masculine energy during the client onboarding process  and at the beginning of a session (the contracting and negotiation phase) and once we are in a session and within the ‘tantric space', I switch energies and clients experience me as the divine feminine, offering heart-centred healing. But this is only one side of me.

Henceforth, my masculine energy will be welcomed into my sessions when appropriate and I look forward to developing my own inner marriage to channel even greater healing for the highest good of humanity.

My sessions offer men the opportunity to explore their kinks in a safe and supportive environment. We go at your pace and we tread lightly.

Below I explore how kinks may be explored in the different types of sessions I offer.

Talking therapy and Virtual Touch ~ There is space for talking in all my sessions, and we may also explore this as a stand alone counselling session, virtually or in person.

A lot of healing can be gained by bringing your sexual thoughts into the light of day, talking about them openly with another human being, especially a female, who will listen without judgement. This may be all that is needed for you to feel OK about yourself.

We might explore the psychology of your kink and how it relates to your early life experiences. We may brainstorm ways that you might begin to explore it safely in the outside world. I can offer signposting and resources to support your onward journey of exploration.

Sensual Touch ~

Both Impact and sensation play are tantric techniques that I can call upon when needed to ‘Raise the energy’. Blindfolds or restraints may also add an added dimension of arousal.

Perhaps you have been curious about feeling pleasure in the perineum or anal area and are curious to explore this, or maybe you have a thing about your hair being stroked or your nipples being pinched. My Sensual Touch sessions can include all the above, you are invited to ask for what you want and if it is within my boundaries (and subject to the below rules) I may be willing to create space for this within our time together.

Conscious Touch ~

Using the Wheel of Consent model allows us to practice giving and receiving touch in both a vanilla dynamic (Serve and Accept) and a more kinky dynamic (Take and Allow). Getting really good at all these ways of feeling touch is what allows you to expand your pleasure window and find pleasure in new places, as well as becoming a better lover.

These sessions are great for taking a first step into the role of Sub or Dom, as we learn how to make clear agreements and communicate openly. The touch will be non-sexual and we will learn the building blocks for you to take into your own sexual dynamics later on.

Healing Touch ~

Kink may come into my healing bodywork practice as it allows us to recreate the energy of past experiences that have caused you pain or trauma. Your body is still holding the residue of this and sometimes a sharp touch or a restraint can bring you into contact with the past experience in order that you can feel it, release it, or re-write it, in a safely held space.

Self Touch ~

You may like to relinquish control of your experience when visiting me. By allowing me to control the pace of the session, direct your touch and breathing or require you to be of service to me, before you are permitted to enjoy pleasure, all creating an experience of gentle energetic domination and deep relaxation.

My General Rules about bringing Kink into our Session:

I need to satisfy myself that what we are exploring;

• Serves a healing purpose and will not perpetuate existing unhealthy patterns of behaviour.

• Has the capacity to expand your pleasure zones and/or your capacity to feel pleasure or sexual fulfillment.

• Has the potential to reducing any shame or guilt you may be feeling about hiding this aspect of yourself.

• If you have an association with a non-sexual object or accessory that can safely be introduced into our session I may be willing to do so provided that there is scope for healing, growth and learning.

My Hard No’s

• I will not use toys on you and I do not offer ‘pegging’.

• Anal touch is offered as an introduction only and if you find this is an active pleasure zone I will recommend that you explore this further yourself with the aid of sex toys.

• I will not become the object of your fantasy, I will not engage in a role play or dress up in anything other than my usual working atire.

I am a tantra practitioner and all sessions are given in the spirit of tantra.

My decision whether to include any kinky elements is at my discretion and is subject to review.